Thursday, January 31, 2008

For my friends, by way of an explaination

I'm so sorry I wasn't able to reach out to you
for so many days now, weeks even.
I have counted -
three, four, or five weeks maybe.

I have remained silent in my seat.

But how my heart longed to reach out to you,
reach out to you guys.

You are all my friends
but now I have alienated you all.

You cannot understand my behavior.
I've been very, very quiet
each and every day,
morning and afternoon.

You suspect that I have something against you?

But no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of you,
and neither of you has done me anything wrong.

It's just me!
I can't understand myself.
I can't understand why I've been acting the way I've been acting.
It's very difficult to explain, even to myself.

I know, you would think, that at my age, I'd be mature enough
not to behave the way i've been behaving lately.
But this is really happening to me.

Let me tell you something about myself that I've never told anyone.
It will be a sort of confession:

I have deep-seated insecurities inside me;
buried very deep inside me.

Many, many years ago, something happened to me that was very painful.
I failed at something.
And each day for two years I lived with that failure.
I slept with it, ate with it, took a shower with it, and breathed with it.

I was able to overcome it, eventually, of course.
The years have a way of making you forget
even the most painful and dark of experiences.

However the seed of failure and rejection have always stayed inside me.
I learned to live with it; even learned to value myself a little bit,
learned to love myself a little more, learned to laugh and live.

Yet the seed have always been there.
And every now and then it rears its ugly head;
it sprouts and blooms and bears bitter fruit.

I've learned, since that painful and traumatic period in my life many, many years ago,
to become a warmer person; I've learned to become more friendly,
learned to trust others and make friends,
learned to smile and give others a glimpse of my soul
-- I've learned all of these wonderful lessons because of you!
Of people like you! Each and every one of you!
who showed me warmness and kindness and shared with me your smiles,
who trusted me and did not hesitate to give me a glimpse of your own souls
-- I've learned all these, and many more.

With your love and kindness and trust, you healed me.

You healed me.

But I still carry the seed
inside me.

No matter how deep I bury it
it is still there
and sometimes it forces its way up towards the surface of my personality,
and when that happens, I lose my energies;
I become apathetic and aloof,
and I seem to draw away from people.
I draw deeper and deeper into my own self,
into my own hollow self.

But this will pass, of course.
It always does.

I guess what this long ramble is leading to is just this:
I simply want to say thank you
for being my friends,
for touching me with your warmness and made me
shine a bit brighter as a person.

Thank you!

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