Friday, September 09, 2005

I miss PS

I miss my work as a call center agent in People Support. I worked there last year for a few months. I enjoyed the job for a while (partly because it was my first employment -- so I enjoyed earning my own money -- and partly because of the experiences I've shared with many interesting people). It was also there that I met my GF, the love of my life. :)

I actually kind of regret my decision to quit, although at that time I was pretty sure I couldn't handle the job anymore. It was a beautiful and comfortable life (I know, I sound too materialistic). I was earning 5 figures every month. I had a car for my "service". I could afford to eat at any restaurant in the city I like. I could afford to buy lots of things....

I actually am saddened by my change of lifestyle. Now I'm back to being a student, and a nursing student at that, a course that many people look condescendingly at. I'm back to wearing uniforms, subjecting myself to the authority of teachers, experiencing anxieties and insecurities about my subjects, and dealing with some people (class mates) I often cannot understand. I am back to being limited by my dependence upon my parents for allowance! And I'm already almost 24!

A lot has changed in my life. I look back at my previous life and I actually envy the life I led before. I had many wonderful memories, many beautiful experiences. I didn't think life can actually progress through time and not necessarily improve for the better. I mean, I didn't think life can actually not get better.

I don't exactly yet know why I enrolled in nursing. Perhaps I, like many others in my generation, want to work abroad. Maybe that was my original motivation. But now the thought doesn't encourage me at all. The only thing that inspires me a little is the idea that I can work as a nurse in Davao or Dumaguete in the future. (I really love those places. I wanted to study nursing in Davao because it was a new place for me, which means a new beginning in my life, a tabula rasa). Sadly, I was bound by circumstances to enroll here instead. Cebu, I lived here all my life. I'm trapped in the old patterns and habits and memories that I've built around it over the years. The feeling is sometimes suffocating.

I miss it all... The music of Norah Jones as I drive along empty roads in the dead hour of the night, and at dawn, when I drive by McDonald's to order my breakfast. I miss the feeling of being secure, the feeling that you're on top of most people (a shocking revelation!).

I pray I'll finally get over this someday. I hope I'll have a better life in the future.


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